World Rugby Probe – multiple arrests

As the result of a long running investigation, conducted in parallel to the FIFA corruption probe, major changes have been announced at world rugby headquarters for the game of Rugby Union. A number of high profile arrests have been made by Interpol, at the highest levels of national unions and competition authorities. Speaking this morning at IRB HQ on Pembroke Street in Dublin, Ireland, acting Junior vice president Ducky Bazzington read out the mandated Easter proclamation – formulated by the administrators who Interpol have appointed for the interim period – the Dropkickrugby betting forum, based in Dropkickrugby towers, Dublin.

“This organisation and the game is on its knees, and can no longer ignore general common sense and the corruption that is rife in one sense or another throughout the organisation and the game. This is a game for the people, and the punters, and it’s time we introduced transparency in the manner football has; It is time we begin to stamp out the different facets of the game that make our sport a laughing stock to outsiders and insiders alike”.

According to sources there are several signatories to the new proclamation, which is, in essence, a new rugby constitution. The new ruling junta, have been met with international goodwill from fans across the world, despite their much publicised fondness for brazzers, alcohol, chocoprods, and prams full of dogshit. Among the revolutionary ideas gaining traction with gullible naïve rugby snobs, and egg-chasing realists alike are;

  1. A successful choke tackle will now result in a quick tap penalty and not a scrum – this is the equivalent of blue-balls for fans
  2. During a scrum : The CLOCK will only being restarted when the ball has come out the back of a scrum or a penalty has been awarded
  3. International referees being appointed in a transparent manner, in a public draw, chosen randomly by auditors, and not by home unions – the French might actually turn up when they play abroad then. The current situation is a farce and completely corrupt.
  4. An independently funded body will be contributed to by every union equally to review refereeing performances and ask questions
  5. No more raping the French away from home by referees – you’ve had enough now lads. I know you want to keep the biggest country in world rugby down by making things as unfair as possible on them, but they’ve had enough now, their arses are red raw. We all witnessed Nigel and Dan Cole in Paris…there was blocking, and Craig in the world cup final 2011. It’s every game at this point. YES, I know it doesn’t help that they do the daftest shit imaginable on a rugby field, but it’s precisely because they’re getting raped that they’re never really fully arsed and do dumb shit in the first place.
  6. Nigel Owens won’t be appointed referee of the world cup final in England, by the English-run IRB reffing panel, and given England’s grand slam decider in Paris, ever again in the same world cup cycle
  7. Roman Poite will have to be clean shaven for at least one game a month – he has a razor, he just needs to Youze-eet
  8. Give straight yellows for breaching the offside line –it is not being policed, it is stifling attacks. Make the players manage it themselves – referees cannot look at a ruck and the offside line…your arms out stretched aint doing shit lads!
  9. A game cannot end on being held up over the line, or with an unplayable ball (seriously, is this rule a joke! The defending team can engineer this easily!). A reset of possession is a must….this is entertainment people are paying for!
  10. No one country should run the RFU reffing panel – Paddy had it for the Kiwis, now the RFU run it. It has to be independent. Human nature means influence will be used.

Those are the initial ten commandments from the DKR junta. More are on the way – including it becoming mandatory that the Celtic league paying 50 poxy euro flight tickets for neutral refs to fly to wales/scotland/italy or Ireland (why the hell was Dudley Phillips reffing Munster at home to Zebre last week?! Do the Italians not matter?), and more (and some obscure) references to the current “scum” in government in the UK, and concussed players having to wear sirloin steak helmets for ten minutes after a blow.

Interpol have stressed that while there is no guaranteed corruption here, there are systematic issues here that are not conducive to it being a level playing field. With rugby facing numerous challenges, this investigation is an important first step in sorting out a game that is, slowly but surely, losing fans in their droves due to the blatant bias visible every weekend, and the sheer and utter gobshitednessness of some of our game laws. And let’s face it, some of the above is pure common sense, and the current situations cannot be allowed to continue if the game is to grow in any way globally.

NEXT week: Legend tells us how there’s no corruption and there were WMD’s in Iraq, SUAF gives us an update on his tourettes treatment, and a chocoprod Romanian gyppo accuses Shane of fathering her baby.